Love Can Heal All Scars
by Castlelover26
Summary: Takes place before Undead Again and Always. Rated M for a
1. Always, Right?

**Based before _Undead Again_ and_ Always_.**

**Okay, so this is a little different than all the other Caskett stories I've read. Most of the ones about their secrets have Kate's secret revealed first because it's the most obvious one and most influential. The only way this could really go the way I want is if HIS secret is revealed first. So... here it goes!**

**Warning: coarse language. View discretion is advised. ;)**

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"Rick... how could you... how could you do this to me?" Kate was standing in Rick's office. Farther away than she was just a few minutes ago.

"I did it to protect you Kate." Rick had to tell her. She may not feel the same way about him so why not tell her this? She already feels embarrassed about his feelings why not be angry with him too?

"Bull shit, Rick! You did it for the fucking story!" Kate felt tears prick the back of her eyes. "It's always been about the story hasn't it?"

"No, Kate it isn't about the story! It's about keeping you alive! Did you even _think_ about how your father would feel if he lost you? He lost your mother to them and I'm sure as hell he doesn't want to lose you to them too! You saw how much he struggled with your mother's death! Don't you think he'll go back down that rabbit hole if he lost you? But if he lost you who would be there to save him Kate? WHO? Definitely not you. _They will kill you_, Kate." Said softly Rick, enunciating the last few words of his argument.

Kate looked shocked. She opened her mouth to speak but words escaped her. Rick moved a little closer to her. "Kate he can't lose you... _I_ can't lose you. I know how much catching your mom's killer means to you... I do. But I also know how much you mean to your father, your friends. Your life is worth so much more than your mother's death. I'm sorry to be so blunt about this but... she's dead Kate. Running head first towards her killer won't bring her back. It'll only take you away from us like Coonan took her away from you and your father." Rick came to stand in front of her. He rested his hands on her arms. "I'm sorry that this hurts you Kate but I'm not sorry for saving my partners life. For keeping you safe and _alive_."

Kate's chest ached. So many things were running through her head that she thought it would explode. Rick's hands started pulling her closer to him. At first she resisted but then she just collapsed against his chest, sobbing and fisting his shirt. Rick wrapped his arms around her pulling her into a tight hug.

After a good few minutes of her crying and him comforting, Rick let go of her. Grabbed her hand and walked her over to a small leather couch sitting in the corner of his office. Once they sat down Rick tried to let go of Kate's hand but she only tightened her grip. "Rick... I... thank you. I'm still angry for you keeping this from me but I... Thank you for thinking of the bigger picture" Rick squeezed her hand lightly and gave her a small smile.

"Rick. I have a secret too." Kate said as she turned to face him, her one leg resting bent in between them on the couch, not letting go of his hand. "I... remember all those times you've asked me if I remembered anything about the shooting? Well... I, uh..."

"You remember everything." Rick finished for her, his voice monotone. It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"I... yeah. How did you..." Kate thought back to the protest bombing, _the interview_..."Shit... you heard me say it to... God I'm such an idiot..." Kate said slamming her free hand against her forehead.

Rick removed his hand from hers and stood up. Pacing while running a hand through his hair. Kate looked up at him. Hurt."No, Kate _I'm_ the idiot. I should have known that you didn't feel the same way. You were embarrassed about my feelings. I'm sorry." Kate looked incredulously at him.

"Is that why you've been acting so stupid lately? You're trying to 'get over me' because you _assume_ you know how I feel?" Kate got up and walked towards him.

"Well, clearly you don't feel the same way or else you'd have mentioned it to me. You could have just told me, Kate. I'm a big boy. I could've handled it." Said Rick, venom dripping off every word.

"You're wrong Rick. You're completely wrong. I wasn't embarrassed. I'm NOT embarrassed. I DO feel the same way but I was healing Rick. I was almost killed. I was getting over that goddamned PTSD.

"I still go to my Therapist. Did you know that? I'm still trying to heal but Dr. Burke helped me realize that I can't let her death define me. The reason I'm still here and not racing to the precinct to re-open my mom's case is because I want to be Kate Beckett, the woman who knows who she is. Not the Kate Beckett I've been for the last 13 years. The one who would do anything... I mean _anything _to get some sort of clue on my mom's case." Rick stopped pacing and turned to look at Kate,

"Rick I was going to tell you I heard you on that protest bombing case but we kept getting interrupted and then all of a sudden you just pulled away from me. Rick, I heard... I heard you tell me that you love me. I would have told you I felt the same way the moment I knew but... I had a bullet in my chest and I was bleeding out on the grass underneath you at the time. Rick I was able to see a future with you. I still can but if you're going to just assume you know what's going on in my head and you just assume that you know how I feel... I... I don't know if I can take that risk." Kate looked into his face softened as he started moving closer to her but she backed away.

"Rick I..." Kate took a deep breath as her eyes fell to the floor and her hands clasped together in front of her chest. "I love you. I love you and probably always will but... I... I just... I want to be with you. I want to be your girlfriend, your lover, and maybe one day..." she trailed off but the both knew what she was thinking. _Your wife_. "I just... God, Rick why didn't you just confront me when you knew? Why did you just assume how I felt?" Kate swiped at her cheeks ridding them of tears. "I just... I have to go Rick. I'll call you if a body drops." Kate walked out of his office, towards his front door as fast as she could. Rick chancing after her.

"Kate, wait!" Rick exclaimed as she grabbed her purse and reached for the door knob. "Please don't go..." Kate turned to face him. She cupped his cheek with her free hand.

"I'm sorry, Rick. I just need some time to think. I... always, right?" she said with a small smile and she turned back to the door and disappeared into the hallway.

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**Okay so likey? Lemme know! Also...Always? OMG I died! I still cannot believe that they're together! I keep watching the kiss over and over again in disbelief! I'm dreaming aren't I? I think I am. Anyways comment!**


	2. Sorry's Don't Heal Heartaches

It had been three days and no call. Rick texted Esposito to see if Kate just didn't want to call him but there actually wasn't a case. Should he go in to see her? He wanted to see her so bad. He wanted to hold her in his arms again, hold her hand, and kiss her senseless but he couldn't. Rick decided he needed a drink. Rick didn't usually drink at home when he was by himself. When he did he usually took it a little too far.

_Just one drink._

He can do it. He can have one drink and then stop. He can do this.

Rick grabbed a glass from the kitchen cupboard and reached for his bottle of scotch that he kept in the cupboard next to his wine cabinet. Rick filled his glass half full and then put the top back on his scotch bottle. He lifted his glass to his lips and drank it slowly, relishing in the feel of it sliding down his throat.

A few short seconds later his glass was empty. Rick stared at the bottle sitting there on the counter in front of him. Teasing him... taunting him...

_Just two drinks._

He can have another, right? He can control himself, right?

_Wrong._

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Kate was sitting at her desk finishing up the last of her paperwork. Who knew with three days of no distractions she could finish all her backlogged paperwork?

Just as Kate finished and started to leave the phone rang. She answered with her usual "Beckett", wrote down an address on a stick note, told the person on the other line she's on her way and hung up.

On her way to the crime scene, Kate called Castle to let him know a body dropped. Odd, no answer. Maybe he was ignoring her again. After all she did deserve it for leaving the way she did. Kate called one more time but still no answer. If he doesn't show up she'll call him when she gets back to the precinct.

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His door was unlocked. Kate decided to go inside, what's the worst that could happen? Something was wrong. When she called from the precinct and he still didn't answer she just knew.

Kate pushed his front door open quietly closing it behind her as her eyes searched all over the loft for him.

"Rick?" Kate called out. She saw an empty bottle on the kitchen counter hoping that it wasn't completely full the night before. She called out his name again.

"Rick, are you here?" Kate heard a faint noise coming from his office and made her way towards it.

When Kate reached his office she was shocked. There were another empty bottle and one that was only half full, just like the one from the kitchen, sitting on his desk.

Rick was sprawled out on the black leather couch with his hand on the floor.

"Rick... are you... Are you drunk?" Kate moved closer to see if he was even conscious. Rick moved slightly like his limbs were too heavy for him to move. Rick blinked several times and squinted to see who was talking to him.

"Mmm, Kate... what're ya doin' here" he asked, his words slurring together slightly.

"I told you I'd call if there was a case and there was. I called you several times and you didn't answer so I figured something was wrong. I wasn't expecting... this."

Rick sat up and looked at her. He stared into those beautiful green eyes and saw how hurt she was. "Kate..." he said standing up too quickly, making himself dizzy. Rick fell back down onto the couch.

"Kate, I'm so sorry... I was... I only wanted one drink… I –"

"Stop." Kate walked over to him to help him up. "Stop with the excuses. I don't care. Let's just get you do bed." She put his left arm over her shoulders and wrapped her arm around his waist. Kate helped him wobble to his bedroom. She helped him lay down and took off his blue jeans because she knows how uncomfortable it can get sleeping in them.

Before leaving him to sleep, Kate found a bottle of Tylenol and a glass in his bathroom. She filled the glass with water from the tap and brought it and 2 Tylenol to him, making him take it before he passed out completely.

"Night, Kate…" he mumbled sleepily."I… I'm sorry I screw everything up." And with that he was sound asleep. If only he knew that sorry's don't heal heartaches.


	3. For Years

_**My summer is finally slowing down so I might be able to update my stories more often :) I really hope you guys enjoy them. Anyways this chapter and story in general may get a bit dark for a chapter or two or more. I don't know yet so sorry about that. Sorry for spelling mistakes. I should be an extreme blonde sometimes (no offences to blond readers. I know most **__**blondes are smart! I know quite a few) Enjoy!**_

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Kate left him to sleep, closing the door behind her. She retrieved the bottles he drank and put the empty ones in a corner of the kitchen, near the stairs, with all the empty wine and beer bottle they've collected and the half full one back into the cupboard.

After cleaning up Kate curled up in the window seat in his office. She cried as it started to rain.

Kate always loved the rain. It was refreshing on a hot summer day and nice on a spring night, but she especially liked it because it was exactly how she felt whenever she was alone and reminiscing about the good ol' days, when life was so much easier.

Kate also disliked rain. It reminded her of her teenage years, and the first few years her mom was gone. She went through major depression those years. She felt like a black cloud was over her head and only hers. She could still feel the pain on her legs, her arms, her stomach, and her sides. How could she have done something so stupid? Thank god the scars are pretty much gone now. But it sickened her how even now, after all these years, all those therapy sessions, all those helpful method… she'd still do it if she didn't find any other out.

Kate ran a hand down her arm. Her mother would have been so disappointed in her. How she wished she could go back in time and redo her life all over again.

Kate started sobbing uncontrollably. How could Rick do that to her? After knowing how bad her father got? Kate could seriously strangle him sometimes.

After awhile the emotional pain Kate felt got too overwhelming. She had to leave, had to do something. Rick would be out for a good few hours so Kate decided to go for a run.

She went into Castle's room and went through his drawers until she found his smallest pair of sweat pants and an old baggy t-shirt. He wouldn't mind would he? Of course not. Kate went into his bathroom and changed into the borrowed clothing leaving her clothes in a neat, folded pile on a chair in the far corner of his room. As Kate made her way to the stairwell of his building she couldn't stop thinking about all the things her and Rick had been through throughout the past 4 years. 4 years… wow.

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_**So? thoughts? please review! even criticism makes me smile! If you have NO idea what I'm talking about in this chapter it will be explained later and I know half of you might agree and say "oh, yeah I can totally see that happen" and other's may be like "wtf are you talking about! That would NEVER happen you stupid, stupid girl!" but I asked my fangirls and most of them could see this as a possibilty and my bff thinks I'm mental so who knows! Anyways please review and give me your opinions! :) Also if you have anything you wanna see in the story I might be able to incorperate so please review! shanks :) **_

_**xoxo** _


	4. Goodnight

_**Hey guys! So I kinda have it weird here where Kate was all depressed and then just randomly starts acting flirty and you'll probably think I have no clue what I'm doing but most people who are depressed do have random mood changes. Most are intentional because they don't need attention from other people. Anyways I hope you enjoy and please review because I love them! ** _

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By the time she finished her run 3 hours had passed, and she was soaked to the bone. Kate was still surprised at how time flies when you're getting bad thoughts out of your head. She walked slowly through his front door closing it behind her and leaned her back against it, her eyes sliding closed. All the thoughts that clouded her head before, flooding back to her. Kate heard shuffling and opened her eyes to see Castle walking sleepily towards the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. When he was close to the counter he stopped abruptly and turned towards her.

"Oh my god, Kate!" wide awake now, he ran towards her. "You're soaked! Are you okay?" concern flooding his face as he ran his hands up her arms.

"Yeah, I'm fine Rick. I went for a run that's all." Kate said so softly that Rick could barely hear her.

"In the middle of a thunder storm?"

"I needed to clear my head" Kate stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You scared of a little thunder, Castle?" she said cheekily. Rick gave her a confused look,

"No? I just… there's lightning, Kate. You could have gotten hit by it! Or you could get sick if you don't get out of these wet clothes! Come on, let's get you dried off." Rick grabbed her arm and dragged her through his office and bedroom to his bathroom. When he got to his room he finally noticed what she was wearing. "Are those, mine?" he asked a little excited,

"Uh, yeah. I hope you don't mind that I borrowed them? I just… running in wet shorts is never fun."

"No, no it's fine" he said with a small smile. "I'd offer to help you out of those but I feel so terrible about what I did to you and…"

"And you think that would be crossing the line we've been dancing around for four years?" Rick nodded. Kate turned her body to face him. "What would happen if we crossed that line?" she asked softly moving in closer to him.

"I, uh… I'm not sure. Things could go great for us" Kate opened her mouth to talk but he continued "but things could go bad for us." Kate moved in a little closer so that their chests were brushing.

"Oh, really?" she breathed against his lips. He nodded. "She took another inch closer before backing away and sighing dramatically."I guess you're right. Why risk it. Right?" Kate walked towards the bathroom making sure to sway her hips enough for him to notice. "I was really looking forward to having you wash my back" she whined as she went into the bathroom and closed the door.

Rick let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding in. "God, that woman will me the death of me" he whispered to himself as laid down on his bed and closed his eyes, just listening to the sound of his running shower from the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later, Kate came parading out of the bathroom with only a towel on. "Sorry I forgot my clothes over there" she said as she rounded his bed to the chair she put her clothes on before.

"Stay the night" Castle burst out, as he sat up.

"Excuse me?" said Kate not believing that he actually just said that.

"I mean… if you want… but it's still storming out and it's almost midnight… it would be safer if you stayed here for the night. I'd be happy to share my bed but if you're not comfortable with that—"  
"I'd love to" Kate interrupted him, "But uh, can I borrow more clothes? I don't like sleeping in denim shorts." She sounded a bit embarrassed.

"Of course! Feel free use any of my clothes." He smiled at her genuinely.

"Anything?"

"Anything"

Kate went to his dresser drawers and opened up the one she accidentally opened earlier while looking for pants to borrow. Kate pulled out the first item of clothing in the pile. "Even these?" she said holding up a pair of his Thor boxers.

"If you wear those, I can make no promise I will not trying to get you out of them."

"Hmm… I can live with that" she stated as she walked back to the bathroom.

When she came out of the bathroom she was clad in his Thor boxers and his purple dress shirt she found on the back of the door. "These are so comfortable! You're never gonna get these back" Kate smiled brightly.

"They look better on you anyways" Rick smiled back as she crawled into the opposite side of the bed from him. Once settled and under the covers Rick rolled towards her and surprised her by placing a chaste kiss on her lips. "Goodnight, my beautiful detective" he said softly as he rolled back over to his side of the bed, his back facing her.

Kate blushed slightly and rolled onto her side so they were back to back. "Goodnight my handsome partner." She said shortly before drifting off to sleep.

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_**Sorry for any spelling errors and missing words and such but I can only really think of these at like 1 in the morning.** _


	5. Scars?

Kate woke up to the feel of something warm pressing against her back. As she opened her eyes she remembered where she was. Castle. She was at Castle's house, in Castle's bed, with Castle's body pressed right up against her back.

Kate sighed contentedly. She'd always dreamt of this except they were a lot more tired and a lot more naked.

She always wondered how he'd be in bed. She knew he'd be good because of his past 'playboyness' but she always wanted to find out for herself but a small part of her thought she would be a disappointment for him in bed. She's been told she's good in bed and she knows the effects she can have on men but she always thought that she'd be lousy compared to the many other relationships he's had.

Kate tried to get up but as soon as she moved, the arm he had slung over her pulled her back into him. "Noooo. Kate stay…" he mumbled into her ear as he snuggled his face into the crock of her neck. Kate laughed lightly,

"Castle, I'll be right back. I have to go to the washroom" she stage whispered as Castle pulled her in even closer.

"No, you don't… you can stay…" Kate laughed loudly,

"Unless you want me peeing in your bed, I suggest you let me get up." Castle huffed and let her get up.

When she opened the door she saw him sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for her with bright eyes and a wide smile. "Hey" she said softly,

"Hey" Kate walked forward to stand in front of him. He grabbed her sides and pulled her closer so she was standing between his legs. Kate smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck as she quickly glanced down at his lips. He leaned in and place a kiss on her stomach through the shirt she was wearing. Kate blushed slightly as Castle smiled up at her.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked softly, eyes full of curiosity and wonder.

"Sure" Kate said, expecting him to ask her if he could kiss her or something but his question totally threw her off guard.

"How'd you get those scars on your arm?"

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_**sorry it's short! I hope to update soon if I don't die from being scared shitless by random scary noises I hear in my house at 3am...**_


	6. Crazy?

**Okay so, I'm sure some of you want to strangle me but I'm sorry I've been super busy and today was my second day back to school and we had a bomb threat so we had to evacuate and all sorts of BS that you don't want to go through on your second day of school. -.- anyways I hope you enjoy**

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_When she opened the door she saw him sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for her with bright eyes and a wide smile. "Hey" she said softly,_

_"Hey" Kate walked forward to stand in front of him. He grabbed her sides and pulled her closer so she was standing between his legs. Kate smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck as she quickly glanced down at his lips. He leaned in and place a kiss on her stomach through the shirt she was wearing. Kate blushed slightly as Castle smiled up at her._

_"Can I ask you something?" he asked softly, eyes full of curiosity and wonder._

_"Sure" Kate said, expecting him to ask her if he could kiss her or something but his question totally threw her off guard._

_"How'd you get those scars on your arm?"_

* * *

"I, uh…" Kate's smiled dropped. She pulled the sleeves of the shirt down and slightly backed away from him, his words bringing back memories of her friends asking her the same question. "How did you…" Kate lifted her sleeve a little to see what he was talking about. "They're barely there, Castle… how did you see them?" Castle's look of curiosity turned to concern.

"I am observant and that was the first time you rolled up your sleeves since you got here." Kate looked at him in the eyes then looked down at the ground.

"Oh. Yeah, well… they're not important… they're just… stupid teen stuff… Ya know?" Kate moved to sit next to him. He grabbed her arm and pushed the sleeve up to get a better look at them, running his fingers along the extremely faded white lines.

"Kate how did you get them?" he asked again, this time a little more forcefully.

"I… I, um—" Kate was interrupted by the sound of her ringtone. Kate got up and took her arm back from Castle as fast as she could. She answered with her normal 'Beckett' as she searched the room for a pad of paper and a pen. Castle opened up the drawer in the nightstand she was standing in front of and indicating what she was looking for was in there. She grabbed the pen and a stack of sticky notes and wrote down an address.

"Okay, I'll be there in 20." She said before hanging up. "A…uh… a body dropped." Castle nodded as Kate went to collect her clothes. "I… I umm, have to go to my apartment and get another pair of clothes… Want to meet me at the crime scene?" Rick was grabbing a suit from him closet.

"Can I just come with you? It'll only take me 5 minutes to get ready." He said softly.

"Yeah, sure. I'll wait for you." Kate said as she slid off the boxers she was wearing to pull on her jean shorts.

* * *

25 minutes later they arrived at the crime scene. Kate and Castle walked into the small home surrounded by cops. Once inside one of the uniforms told her which room the crime scene was.

"Hey Espo," Kate says as she ducks under the crime scene tape, held up by another uni. "What do you have for us?"

"Kelly Tampner. Just turned 16 last week."

"Damn it"

"The man you walked past on the way in is the Father, Orville Tampner, found the body about an hour ago." He stated, pointing towards the door where a distraught man stood, staring at his daughter.

"What was the father doing up at 3 in the morning?" Kate asked. She turned to the uni at the door and asked him to escort Mr. Tampner downstairs away from the body. She walked, Castle following a little too closely, towards Lanie, who was hunched over the young girl on the bed in the middle of the room.

"Work. He works at a foundry on the other side of town. He said he always comes in to kiss his daughter goodbye before leaving for work." Kate felt a flood of emotions come crashing down over her. She remembered her mom doing the same thing to her when she was alive. Kate swiped at her eyes and reclaimed her composure.

"What does it look like Lanie?" Kate asked her voice sounding clear and normal but Lanie could tell something was wrong. When she looked up she saw her best friend with her arms crossed over her chest, like that was the only thing preventing her from collapsing to the floor. Lanie gave her a sympathetic look. "From the looks of it, I'd say blood loss but I can't tell from where till I get her back to the lab." Lanie was worried about her friend. "Kate if you can't—"

"Lanie I'm… I'm fine." Kate said softly as she started walking back towards the door. "Espo do a canvas of the neighbours, see if they saw or heard anything last night. I'll go talk to the father.

Kate and Castle made their way downstairs towards the living room where Mr. Tampner was now seated. Kate sat on the love seat across the table from the small chair the middle aged father sat in, Castle right beside her. Their legs flush against one another. Kate looked up at him and saw the worry in his eyes; she knew it wasn't about the victim either.

"Hello, Mr. Tampner" Kate spoke softly, returning her attention to the victim's father."I'm Detective Kate Beckett. I have a few questions about your daughter." Mr. Tampner nodded quickly and started sobbing. Kate grabbed the Kleenex box off the coffee table and handed it to the man. Kate realized he kinda looked like Rick. Middle aged, about 40. Prominent jaw line. Scruffy, dark brown hair that's not super short but not on the verge of being too long.

"Did Kelly have any enemies? Any problems at school? Anybody who would want to hurt her? Maybe a boyfriend or ex boyfriend?" Mr. Tampner looked up at saw how caring Kate was.

"You have such caring eyes detective… I can tell you were in a similar situation before." He wasn't flirting just observing. Kate smiled softly as he continued, "No Kelly didn't have many friends actually. She wasn't very social anymore. She had one really close internet friend she would send things to and talk to all the time and another friend she'd spend time with occasionally but other than that she didn't spend time with many people. Especially, since her mom died.

"Two summers ago, we hit a rough patch. Her mom was out of work, I had an alcohol addiction and Kell... well she has— had… an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa? You know the one where a person starves themselves…" Mr. Tampner took a deep breath. "We were about to lose our car, our house, everything… So, Candice killed herself… ODed on her sleeping pills. Kell was all I had left…" He sobbed.

"I'm so sorry Mr. Tampner… I promise we'll do everything in our power to find out who did this to her."

"Thank you" He said, as Kate stood, shook his hand and left the room.

* * *

Back at the precinct Kate had set up the murder board while Castle watched her intently.

When she finished she sat down in her chair. She linked her fingers together and rested them on the mouth while she studied the board. "Who would kill a teenage girl who kept to herself, and didn't have any friends?" Kate looked at Castle, hoping he had some wild theory he could spin to make it all make sense in a way that is so truly Castle, but he just stared back at her with a look that told her he had a theory but she wouldn't like it. "What is it Castle? I know you have some pretty wild theories, so whichever one is bouncing around inside your head can't be that bad."

Castle looked at her; he hesitated but decided to speak. "I know this is really crazy but…" he trailed off, not wanting to seem like more of an idiot than he has in the past few days.

Kate leaned closer and placed a hand on Castle's knee, "Rick, I won't judge you…" _I love you_, "tell me what it is." She said calmly. He looked at her, his eyes filled with sadness. For the victim? For her?

"I just…" he ran a hand through his hair, "Maybe this isn't a murder…" He whispered so softly that Kate almost didn't hear him.

Kate looked at him confused, "what do you mean?" she asked softly.

"Well, Lanie still hasn't found out where she was bleeding from… maybe she… did this to herself…" he said slowly as if the words didn't sound right. Kate looked at him incredulously.

Her eyes widened and her face paled at memories from long ago flashed through her mind.

_Blood... there was a lot of it. She remembered how it felt, the way her body went numb and her vision blurred, it was a good feeling, a great feeling but she knew it really wasn't good at all. _

"Kate... I was just suggesting… I told you it was crazy…" Castle trailed off as he broke her reveries. She looked around to make sure they were alone before she grabbed his hand and looked him straight in the eyes.

"It's not crazy Castle. It actually makes perfect sense!" she exclaimed as she got up and grabbed her coat. "Let's go" she said, as she bit her bottom lip and headed towards the elevator.

"Where are we going?" he asked trailing along behind her.

"The morgue" she says in a matter of fact tone. As they get onto the elevator Rick still feels like an idiot even though she likes his theory.

"Kate, I… it isn't a stupid theory?" he asks. _When has he ever been this self-conscious around her?_

"No, it was a great theory! I could kiss you!" Castle slowly moved closer to her, his eyes never leaving her face.

"Why don't you?" he asks, a hint of sadness in his voice. Kate looked up at him.

"Because I'll want more." She said simply.

"So?" He asked as his hand brushed against hers. Kate took a few seconds to think about his 'so?'

She saw the intensity in his gaze. _He really loves her doesn't he?_

"Ah, what the hell." She said as she grabbed his face and kissed him soundly.

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**Okay so that's it for this chapter! I'll try to update soon! Sorry for being so bad with updating. I feel like I let you guys down :/ thanks for reading :) please review!**


	7. Sympathy

_**Hey guys, I'm so so so sorry for not updating recently. I've been busy with school and martial arts and friends and family and music lessons and blehhhh so... yeah. Anyways this chapter, like most of them, is short but it is almost time for the whole point of this story to come soooooooo hope you enjoy and I hope too update soon but I make no promises. love you guys :) ** _

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_"It's not crazy Castle. It actually makes perfect sense!" she exclaimed as she got up and grabbed her coat. "Let's go" she said, as she bit her bottom lip and headed towards the elevator._

_"Where are we going?" he asked trailing along behind her._

_"The morgue" she said matter of factly. As they got onto the elevator Rick still felt like an idiot even though she liked his theory._

_"Kate, I… it isn't a stupid theory?" he asked. When has he ever been this self-conscious around her?_

_"No, it was a great theory! I could kiss you!" Castle slowly moved closer to her, his eyes never leaving her face._

_"Why don't you?" he asked, a hint of sadness in his voice. Kate looked up at him._

_"Because I'll want more." She said simply._

_"So?" He asked as his hand brushed against hers. Kate took a few seconds to think about his 'so?'_

_She saw the intensity in his gaze. He really loves her doesn't he?_

_"Ah, what the hell." She said as she grabbed his face and kissed him soundly._

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The kiss became more passionate with roaming tongues and touching fingers. As the elevator came to a stop they broke the kiss. "Holy shit" Beckett gasped as she straightened out her hair and clothing.

"Yeah" breathed Castle and he stood in awe. The doors opened and Beckett walked out into the parking garage. She looked back to see Castle standing there with his jaw dropped.

"Come on Castle, you can fantasize and reminisce in the car." Castle closed his mouth, swallowed and chased after her.

When they got into the elevator at the morgue they stood closer together. So close that Castle was flush up against her back. He pulled her hair to one side and started sucking and kissing her neck. "Rick I swear to god, if you give me a hickey I **will** shoot you." Castle stopped what he was doing and looked down at her neck.

"I… umm…" Castle backed up a little bit. Kate turned around and glared at him.

"Richard Castle, You are SO going to pay for this." The doors dinged and Castle ran out towards the doors to the morgue. Kate huffed and followed Castle down the hall, pulling her hair over that side of her neck. Rick waited outside the doors for her. She walked right by him punching his arm on the way past. They walked through the swinging doors to find Lanie sitting at her desk eating.

"Hey Lanie" Lanie turned around to find Castle rubbing his arm and Beckett playing with her hair.

"Hi… Are you two okay?" She asked hesitantly.

"Yes" "no" they said in unison. Kate turned and glared at Castle, as he changed his answer to "yes".

"Lanie, about the case, we were thinking that maybe it wasn't—"

"A murder?" finished Lanie. "After I got her clean I found linear cuts on her wrists. Also her tox screen showed large amounts of Acetaminophen, several times over the normal amount. There are no signs of a struggle." Kate paled.

"So um… she was a self harmer?" Kate couldn't take her eyes off the girl on the table. Lanie nodded,

"Yes. I found linear scars all over her body. On pretty much every inch of her legs and arms and quite a few more on her stomach and back."

"How could someone's life be that bad that they have to turn to cutting themselves and suicide?" asked Castle in shock. "Teenagers nowadays are just so screwed up."

"Hey!" Kate exclaimed. "Don't talk about our vic that way! She couldn't help it. It wasn't her fault. She just couldn't find a better way in time…" Castle was shocked at her outburst. He'd see Kate empathize and understand the victims but this? This was something different… maybe it had something to do with her-…. No it couldn't… could it?

"Kate I'm so sorry… I didn't mean—" Kate put up a hand to silence him.

"Thank you Lanie. I'll tell the boys about this tomorrow. Have a good night." She smiled weakly at her best friend. Kate turned around and scurried out of the room before either of her friends could speak. She was already in the elevator before Castle was even half way down the hall.

As the small enclosed space brought her to the parking garage she remembered all those nights as a child. She always had a bigger bed to crawl into when life got scary. As she got older that bigger bed became many beds of many different teenage boys but then sex just wasn't enough… the elevator dinged and the doors slide open. Kate rushed to her car and headed home.

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_**so? like it? I just realized how crappy my grammar is when I write stories late at night. Sorry I sound stupid and illiterate but I swear I'm not that stupid! I just need to stick to one tense and figure out how to control my comma craziness. Please review, I always love them; also hello new subscribers! If you guys have any criticism whether it be for this story or any one of my other stories just gimme a hollar! Thanks guys! :D**_


	8. The Truth?

She had been curled up on her couch crying since she got home. It had recently started raining and she'd been contemplating going for a walk.

She couldn't stop thinking about what happened at the morgue. She knew Castle wasn't trying to insult the teen or her but he did. She also knew that what he was trying to say was true. Someone would have to be super messed up in order to cut themselves, right? I mean what sane person would ever take a blade across their skin purposely… right? Kate ran her fingers over her forearm.

Kate was contemplating if she should go back down that road again. She got up and headed to her bathroom. She stood, and stared in the mirror at herself. All she could see was a seventeen year old girl who hated herself and the world around her. She was skin and bone but in that poor girls mind nothing was ever enough.

Kate opened a drawer under the sink and pulled out a razor blade. She turned the blade over and over in her hand. As she brought the blade to her arm, there was a knock on the door. On her way to open the door Kate placed the blade on the kitchen counter without realizing it. Kate knew there could only be one person who would show up here at this hour of the night.

"Hey, Castle." She said as she opened the door not even looking up at him. She stared at the ground as she wiped the tears off her cheeks. She stepped back, a gesture that told him he was welcome to come inside. As Kate closed the door behind him, she looked up at him with bloodshot, teary eyes. He held back the urge to pull her into his arms. As Kate walked towards her kitchen he noticed the shiny silver blade laying there on the counter. Kate began to ask him if he wanted a drink but was interrupted when he spun her around and kissed her.

It was a soft kiss at first, sweet and passionate but it quickly turned feverish and needy. Kate ran her fingers through his hair while he pulled her hips into his. She started walking him towards her bedroom, toying with the hem of his shirt before breaking the kiss for a fraction of a second to pull it over his head.

As they entered the bedroom Kate started unbuttoning her shirt. After struggling with the buttons she gave up and ripped it open as they scattered across the floor. Kate laid down on the bed and pulling Castle with along her. Suddenly, Castle stopped moving and just stared at her. "What's wrong?" breathed Kate.

"What's been going on with you lately?" He asked, nothing but pure concern reflected in his eyes. Kate huffed using her forearms to hold her up. She kissed him soundly but he pulled away."Kate, talk to me."

"C'mon, Castle. I need this." She whined. Castle opened his mouth to talk when something caught his attention. There was a smear of red next to Kate on the bed he looked at her arm and saw that her whole forearm was covered in blood.

"Kate you're bleeding!" Castle exclaimed as he scrambled off of her and into the bathroom in search of a towel. When he returned he found her sitting on the floor curled up in a ball. He crouched down beside her and wrapped her arm in the towel. "Kate, what the hell is happening? Getting emotional at crime scenes, biting my head off at the morgue, this isn't you. Please talk to me…" Kate looked up at him and he could see she was crying again. Castle pulled her into his lap and held her against his chest. Kate started sobbing into his chest.

After her sobs subsided, Kate pulled back to look at him. "I used to be her." She said quietly.

"What?" asked Rick, "you used to be whom?" Kate moved closer to him, still holding the towel on her arm.

"Kelly. I used to be Kelly. I used to starve myself. I used to cut my skin. All over, I cut all over my body. One time…" Kate stopped mid-thought to see if her arm was still bleeding. Once she saw it was she wrapped it tighter in the towel and sighed.

"One time?" Castle asked. Kate looked him in the eyes. She loved him so much. What would he think of her if she told him the truth?

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_**Hey guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've had this chapter written for a while but I just never got around to posting it. Hope you guys enjoy. The next chapter will be up shortly :P hope all your Christmas' were great :D** _


	9. Lemme Fuck your Brains out

"You'll think I'm crazy." Rick brushed her hair out of her face,

"Already think you're crazy, but, it's one of the reasons I love you." He grabbed her hand and locked their fingers together.

"One time I took it too far… when I was eighteen, I hit a vein. I remember how it felt. I remember feeling the life drain out of my body. I wouldn't be here if my roommate hadn't found me in time…" Kate felt tears prick her eyes again,

"There was so much blood… I was able to hide it from my parents so well until that night. The hospital called my dad and he hurried over. Once they pumped me full of someone else's blood and they stitched me up, my dad made a promise that he wouldn't tell my mom as long as I got some help. I started therapy and pills for depression the next day." Kate snuggled further into Castle's lap.

"I was doing so well too! I stopped cutting. I started eating more… then everything changed the day I lost her. I was so distraught… I mean… it was my mom Castle… she was everything to me. That was when I dropped out of Stanford and started Police College.

"Even though I was in college I started again... food made me sick. Every single thing reminded me of her. I became a self-harming, self-starving dedicated student, until I realized I needed help again… I did great! Eleven years and no self-inflicted wounds and I never went a month without food… until this goddamned case." Rick kissed her head and held her close, as if she was going to slip away from him at any minute.

"I haven't touched a piece of food since we got this case"

"What happened to your arm, Kate?" Kate looked down at it, avoiding all eye contact with Rick. "Kate… please tell me… did you cut again?"

"I… kinda?"

"How, kinda?"

"I was debating whether to do it or not and when you knocked on the door I jumped and must have accidentally cut myself…" Kate stood up and headed for the bathroom. "You must think I'm psychotic." She laughed as she entered the room. Rick followed her.

Kate looked through her cupboards for gauze and hydrogen peroxide. Once she found it them, Castle took the towel from her and put some peroxide on a clean spot. He dabbed her cut with it and then dabbed away the excess blood. Rick then took the gauze and wrapped it around her arm until it was fully covered. He tucked the edge of it into itself to hold it securely.

Rick grabbed her arm and kissed the gauze. "I don't think you're psychotic… I just wonder what could have happened to this girl to make her think there was no way out1…"

"Well, Jack Dawson." She wrapped her arms around his neck, "I wish I knew. It's like cigarettes… it's an addiction. Once you try it, you can't stop. It's like you with alcohol, it masks the emotional pain. It's a diversion, the physical pain trumps emotions." She kissed him soundly. "Good enough for you?" Rick nodded his head. "Take me to bed Richard Castle! Let me fuck your brains out."


End file.
